


What Happens When Sherlock Gets Into A Chatroom

by cas_novak, potentiallyAWKWARD



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M, Multi, Other, chatroom, shamchat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 20:52:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 5,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3910237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cas_novak/pseuds/cas_novak, https://archiveofourown.org/users/potentiallyAWKWARD/pseuds/potentiallyAWKWARD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Title is pretty much self-explanitory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Johnlock

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Squid_Girl2000](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Squid_Girl2000), [stardustiseloquent](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=stardustiseloquent), [-loki.holmes-](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=-loki.holmes-), [St. Spike](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=St.+Spike), [cas_novak](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cas_novak/gifts), [The Woman](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+Woman), [snugglingsherlock](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=snugglingsherlock).



> I got on ShamChat.com and struck up this conversation with a total stranger (Squid_Girl2000). It's completely real, no embellishments. I'm Sherlock and she's John.

This is a conversation between John Watson and yourself, Sherlock Holmes.  
Sherlock Holmes: John?  
John Watson: Hey there, Sherlock  
Sherlock Holmes: I didn't expect to find you here.  
John Watson: Yeah...same here  
John Watson: I didn't know you came on these things...  
Sherlock Holmes: I need to get the public's opinion on me. Keep an ear out, as they say. We don't want another Reichenbach, do we?  
John Watson: Sherlock....  
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, John?  
John Watson: Don't. EVER say that...please. you know how I....  
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, yes. Sorry. I do forget how touchy you are when it comes to my supposed death.  
John Watson: SHERLOCK  
Sherlock Holmes: What do you want to talk about, then?  
John Watson: I don't know, really. We kind of live together, so there's nothing new...  
John Watson: I'm still mad at you, you know...  
Sherlock Holmes: Well, you went into your bedroom about an hour ago and I think I heard some very unbecoming videos playing. I think we need to have a chat about your addiction to porn.  
Sherlock Holmes: For what reason?  
John Watson: You know what, Sherlock....and I'M NOT ADDICTED TO PORNOGRAPHY.  
Sherlock Holmes: Your browser history says otherwise. You can delete it all you like, I still know ways around that.  
John Watson: ...  
John Watson: My history was from before you and me, Sherlock  
Sherlock Holmes: Well, I have news: The Lestrange killings- it was their butler after all. So cliché- I regret taking that case.  
John Watson: Are you even listening, Sherlock?  
Sherlock Holmes: I'm listening to the sounds of male fornication still emanating from your room, I think what you mean is am I reading. And yes. I just don't find it important.  
John Watson: What? I don't even turn it on! How can you hear the from my room if I haven't turned it on for months?  
John Watson: You know I'm too busy for that nowadays  
Sherlock Holmes: And I said that I haven't smoked in months, but the cufflinks on my dress shirt says otherwise.  
John Watson: SHERLOCK! YOU’RE STILL SMOKING?!?!  
John Watson: What...Jesus, Sherlock.  
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, John. I'm sorry I hid it from you- but let's talk about your problem first. When did you first realize you liked men?  
John Watson: Sherlock...  
John Watson: This isn't the time for that conversation...  
Sherlock Holmes: Alright then. Will you come down and fetch my scarf? I'm about ready to head out but it's in my room.  
John Watson: Why can't you get it???  
Sherlock Holmes: BECAUSE I'M THINKING, JOHN.  
Sherlock Holmes: My mind is too busy to be bothered with rubbish like physical movement.  
John Watson: Then how are you talking to me...you barely keep a conversation going when you're normally thinking.  
Sherlock Holmes: My fingers and eyes are the only things engaged in this. My brain is hardly registering the words you're typing.  
John Watson: So I can say whatever I want and you wouldn't exactly process it?  
Sherlock Holmes: If I don't notice you leaving the flat, I'm sure you could say whatever you like without me processing it.  
John Watson: But give me one moment...I have to go...do something....stay right where you are  
Sherlock Holmes: Fine. Hurry up.  
John Watson: I'm back then...  
Sherlock Holmes: What were you doing?  
Sherlock Holmes: I don't hear the porn anymore. I rather liked the noise of it.  
John Watson: I had to wash my hands...I spilled some soda earlier...  
Sherlock Holmes: Was the pop white-ish and excreted from your erect penis?  
Sherlock Holmes: Because if so, it wasn't pop. Although I’d happily drink it.  
John Watson: SHERLOCK!!!!  
John Watson: WHA.....I....I....UH....  
Sherlock Holmes: Hurry up and come downstairs. I need my scarf and now I'm a bit indisposed for work.  
John Watson: Fine. I'll be right there  
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you. I have another "soda" here, if you're thirsty.  
John Watson: SHERLOCK!  
Sherlock Holmes: ;)


	2. Moriarty-phile?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to stardustiseloquent... she was 'teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty' on ShamChat.com.

This is a conversation between a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty and yourself, Sherlock Holmes.  
Sherlock Holmes: Hello...  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: Hi sir  
Sherlock Holmes: Of all the people to love, you choose Jim Moriarty?  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: People can't choose who they love.  
Sherlock Holmes: It's because of his Irish accent, isn't it? Are you that one reporter? The one who cornered me in that bathroom before his trial?  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: I'm no reporter, sir, we've never met before...But, to answer your question, it is a lot of things about him that I like.  
Sherlock Holmes: So you find psychotic serial killers attractive? Interesting...  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: You've got it all wrong sir, I don't just like criminals...It's only him that I like. It doesn't mean I have a type.  
Sherlock Holmes: What about him appeals to you?  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: He's clever, interesting, unique, of course very handsome...  
Sherlock Holmes: If you like people with dead eyes...  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: Dead eyes? That's not what I would say...  
Sherlock Holmes: There is absolutely no shimmer to his eyes. They're cold, black, and dull. A true serial killer.  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: What I see in his eyes is a depth that cannot be easily defined. Like there's something just below the surface, that under the right circumstances you might be able to see.  
Sherlock Holmes: Moriarty was wrong. He said I wanted everything to be clever... but my opinion on his eyes isn't clever at all. It's factual. You're letting your emotions cloud your judgment as so many people do.  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: I'm sorry if my interest in Mr. Moriarty offends you.. I would like to be your friend, not become your enemy because of it.  
Sherlock Holmes: My only enemy is your love interest... and sometimes my brother.  
Sherlock Holmes: And Charles Augustus Magnussen.  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: Oh, but Mr. Magnussen is dead now, so...I suppose that's one less enemy for you to have to deal with.  
Sherlock Holmes: True. That was extremely enlightening, my experience with him. I'm exceedingly glad he's dead.  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: I am, too...Dreadful man. Gives me shivers just thinking about him.  
Sherlock Holmes: I wonder what he had in his Appledore vaults about you...  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: I thought he only kept files on people of use or interest to him?  
Sherlock Holmes: You're a stranger to me. For all I know, you could be Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: Hah...Well, I assure you, I am a person of no interest. I'm sure you would say I'm ordinary.  
Sherlock Holmes: Most people are. Who are you, then?  
Sherlock Holmes: A computer? A human? A war hero... or a criminal? Oh, sorry. Wrong role.  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: I'm just a girl, who spends far too much time thinking about a certain criminal. That's all you really need to know.  
Sherlock Holmes: A teenaged girl with an obsessive type personality, probably an ISFJ personality.  
Sherlock Holmes: Quiet, kind, and conscientious. Can be depended on to follow through. Usually puts the needs of others above their own needs. Stable and practical, they value security and traditions. Well-developed sense of space and function. Rich inner world of observations about people. Extremely perceptive of other's feelings. Interested in serving others.  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: Oh, well actually your deduction is a bit off Mr Holmes...I happen to be an INFJ personality.  
Sherlock Holmes: I knew the I and the F. I had to make an educated guess about the others.  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: Yes, still close. Though I don't like to rely too much on stereotypical things such as personality types.  
Sherlock Holmes: I'm an ISTP. Quiet and reserved, interested in how and why things work. Excellent skills with mechanical things. Risk-takers who they live for the moment. Usually interested in and talented at extreme sports. Uncomplicated in their desires. Loyal to their peers and to their internal value systems, but not overly concerned with respecting laws and rules if they get in the way of getting something done. Detached and analytical, they excel at finding solutions to practical problems.  
Sherlock Holmes: Neither do I, but it helps get a basic idea.  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: Yes it does, I find it interesting. I wonder what type Mr Moriarty is...  
Sherlock Holmes: Hmm...  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: Surely you have a guess.  
Sherlock Holmes: I'm going to my mind palace to think for a moment.  
Sherlock Holmes: I think he's an ISTJ.  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: Hmm, I'm not familiar with that type.  
Sherlock Holmes: Serious and quiet, interested in security and peaceful living. Extremely thorough, responsible, and dependable. Well-developed powers of concentration. Usually interested in supporting and promoting traditions and establishments. Well-organized and hard working, they work steadily towards identified goals. They can usually accomplish any task once they have set their mind to it.  
Sherlock Holmes: Although his goals are often bad...  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: Yeah, I suppose not...Although he isn't anything like Magnussen. That's something.  
Sherlock Holmes: True.  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: So, how did you feel when you found out that he's back? Mr Moriarty, I mean.  
Sherlock Holmes: I was... extremely confused. That doesn't happen often. But I was mainly pleased.  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: Pleased? Really? Well that doesn't really surprise me too much.  
Sherlock Holmes: After all, he is me.  
Sherlock Holmes: He's my distraction.  
a teen girl in love with Jim Moriarty: Exactly, he's simply the flipside of you.


	3. MISS ME?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chat was with -loki.holmes- who was Jim Moriarty.

This is a conversation between Jim Moriarty and yourself, Sherlock Holmes.  
Sherlock Holmes: Well, hello.  
Jim Moriarty: Hi.  
Sherlock Holmes: Long time, no see.  
Jim Moriarty: Sorry about that. You know how faking your own death is.  
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, I do.  
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you.  
Jim Moriarty: You're very welcome!  
Jim Moriarty: So aren't you going to ask how I did it?  
Sherlock Holmes: Did what?  
Jim Moriarty: Don't play stupid; it doesn't work on me.  
Sherlock Holmes: Obviously I know how you did it, but that's hardly relevant.  
Jim Moriarty: Not only is he arrogant, he's also a liar...  
Sherlock Holmes: I do tend to stretch the truth sometimes, but that's entirely beside the point.  
Jim Moriarty: No, I think it is the point exactly. Have you told John yet?  
Sherlock Holmes: Told John what?  
Jim Moriarty: See, you're doing it again... told him YOU HAVE FEELINGS for him.  
Sherlock Holmes: No, because that would be a LIE and I don't tell those.  
Jim Moriarty: Ah, yes. You merely stretch the truth.  
Sherlock Holmes: You think you're so clever, don't you?  
Jim Moriarty: Well... yes. I defeated Sherlock Holmes, 'one of the best minds in Britain'.  
Sherlock Holmes: One of? In Britain? I'm the best mind the world has ever seen.  
Jim Moriarty: I think your brother would disagree.  
Sherlock Holmes: We disagree about many things. I'm usually right.  
Jim Moriarty: No, you're not.  
Sherlock Holmes: Why are you even on here?  
Jim Moriarty: Because I can be. I could ask you the same question.  
Sherlock Holmes: I need to keep my eyes out, stop heresies about me from spreading. I don't want another Reichenbach Fall.  
Jim Moriarty: Well, I do.  
Sherlock Holmes: And you're a psycho-killer.  
Jim Moriarty: High functioning sociopath. With your number.  
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, shut up, will you?  
Jim Moriarty: Fine. I'll see you again soon, Sherlock Holmes...  
Jim Moriarty has left the conversation.


	4. Queen Arthur?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A particularly interesting conversation... dedicated to St. Spike, King Artoria Pendragon on ShamChat.

This is a conversation between King Artoria Pendragon and yourself, Sherlock Holmes.  
Sherlock Holmes: Hello.  
King Artoria Pendragon: Greetings.  
Sherlock Holmes: May I ask who you are? I'm not familiar with the name.  
King Artoria Pendragon: Well my actual name is King Artoria Pendragon.  
Sherlock Holmes: Hello, Your Majesty.  
Sherlock Holmes: I apologize for being so casual in my speech earlier.  
King Artoria Pendragon: It's quite alright  
King Artoria Pendragon: I’m not really much of a king anymore.  
Sherlock Holmes: Good. What kingdom do you rule over?  
Sherlock Holmes: Oh.  
King Artoria Pendragon: Well I used to rule over England.  
Sherlock Holmes: England? That's where I live, yet I'm not at all familiar with you.  
King Artoria Pendragon: Oh. You might know me as King Arthur.  
Sherlock Holmes: Ah! Now that's a name I recognize. Although I wasn't aware you were real... or still alive.  
King Artoria Pendragon: Well I'm kind of alive. The story is a little different though. And by that I mean that King Arthur was actually a woman.  
King Artoria Pendragon: Hence. *Motions to herself*  
Sherlock Holmes: You're... a woman? Apologizes, madam. Why is your title 'king' if you're a female, if I may ask?  
King Artoria Pendragon: I never quite understood that either.  
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, it's a political affair. I see. I guess medieval England wasn't very female-friendly.  
King Artoria Pendragon: No it wasn’t.  
Sherlock Holmes: Did your subjects know?  
King Artoria Pendragon: I believe so.  
King Artoria Pendragon: They never questioned me so.  
Sherlock Holmes: I'm quite surprised that no one in modern times knows this!  
Sherlock Holmes: Or that you even truly existed!  
King Artoria Pendragon: As am I.


	5. Lingerie Fetish?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chat is with Cas_Novak.

This is a conversation between teen!nerd!wearing lingerie underneath clothing!Castiel (Destiel, jock!Dean?) and Sherlock Holmes.  
Sherlock Holmes: Hello...  
teen!nerd!wearing lingerie underneath clothing!Castiel (Destiel, jock!Dean?): Hi..  
Sherlock Holmes: Do you have a panties fetish?  
teen!nerd!wearing lingerie underneath clothing!Castiel (Destiel, jock!Dean?): Uh..  
Sherlock Holmes: So when did your mother abandon you?  
teen!nerd!wearing lingerie underneath clothing!Castiel (Destiel, jock!Dean?): A long time ago.  
Sherlock Holmes: So your name is Castiel? I'm Sherlock. Obviously.  
teen!nerd!wearing lingerie underneath clothing!Castiel (Destiel, jock!Dean?): Nice to meet you, Sherlock.  
Sherlock Holmes: Same to you. Where are you from?  
teen!nerd!wearing lingerie underneath clothing!Castiel (Destiel, jock!Dean?): Kansas.  
Sherlock Holmes: I'm from London. 221B Baker Street, to be exact. If you ever find yourself in a rough situation, call on me.  
teen!nerd!wearing lingerie underneath clothing!Castiel (Destiel, jock!Dean?): Will do.  
Sherlock Holmes: You haven't happened to have heard of Jim Moriarty, have you?  
teen!nerd!wearing lingerie underneath clothing!Castiel (Destiel, jock!Dean?): *shakes head* No, why?  
Sherlock Holmes: Because he's my nemesis, and many people work for him. Or rather he works for them...  
teen!nerd!wearing lingerie underneath clothing!Castiel (Destiel, jock!Dean?): Oh..  
Sherlock Holmes: Do you not have a nemesis?  
teen!nerd!wearing lingerie underneath clothing!Castiel (Destiel, jock!Dean?): Not exactly..  
teen!nerd!wearing lingerie underneath clothing!Castiel (Destiel, jock!Dean?) has left the conversation.


	6. Two Arseholes Collide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I chat with Hiro Hamada (Didn't get a different name from them...)

This is a conversation between Hiro Hamada and yourself, Sherlock Holmes.   
Hiro Hamada: *Talking into the phone, and pinching a small object in my hand* I told you, Wasabi, it'll be fine. Stop worrying. All I need to do is place the le- *the small rice shaped object flies out of my hand and hits you in the head* Uh....I'll call you back. *Hangs up and laughs nervously at you* Yeah, sorry about that. Maybe this wasn't the best place to test out the new chip...   
Sherlock Holmes: Chip?   
Hiro Hamada: Yeah, chip. *holds a hand into the air and the small bot flies up and into it* I was just resetting the magnetic compensate for the extra epidermal level, but carbon relay snapped due to the increase in input from the heightened sensors, to the quantum s- and you have no idea what I'm saying, do you?  
Sherlock Holmes: I have more of an idea than you do, I'd be willing to bet.   
Hiro Hamada: *Bursts out laughing* /please/, sure you do. No one does. People working in the profession for years don't understand me. I mean, hello, I'm a fourteen year old super genius robotics prodigy. Well, that's what the tabloids call me. I just happen to agree.   
Sherlock Holmes: And I'm a world famous consulting detective. You're not the only big shot around here. Did you try rebooting the hydrogen board before you reset the magnetic compensate?   
Hiro Hamada: ...okay, maybe you get that. But of course I did, that's, like, step number one. And I know what's wrong with it. This. *hold up my hand and it's glowing underneath the surface* I was trying to think of a way to avoid getting my stuff stolen again, considering the world almost ended last time that happened, so I built a chip that controls all my bots and put it in my hand. I just didn't consider the fact it would /hurt/. Therefore, over load.   
Sherlock Holmes: Common mistake. And I know the feeling of the world nearly ending... although I'm always the one who saves the day.   
Hiro Hamada: Dude, know the feeling. Superhero here. Remember the big Callingham incident? Yeah, I solved that. The battle bots going to take over the world? Yep, me. I saved everyone. Every other major superpower and or tech battle; Big Hero 6 to the rescue.   
Sherlock Holmes: My machine is my brain. Far more impressive, if you ask me. Most of the cases I've solved are government secrets, so I can't give any examples, but I can say I saved Britain from kneeling to a particularly powerful dominatrix.   
Hiro Hamada: Well, I take the machines out of my brain, and actually make them. Yeah, I stopped the world from being sucked into the equivalent of a black hole. Or crushed by microbots of my own creation. Or blown up by battlebots. Should I continue?   
Sherlock Holmes: If you'd like, but I promise I won't care at all.   
Hiro Hamada: *Huffs, crossing arms and pouting* jerk. Still bet I'm smarter than you. One thing I've got going for me, my head.   
Sherlock Holmes: Your head? Unless you use a Mind Palace, your head is full of useless fluff.   
Hiro Hamada: *rolls eyes* I don't need a mind palace. I just learn the stuff I need. Keep it practical. You ever built a microbot? *has the small thing that hit you earlier flying around* doesn't look like much, does it? Oh trust me. This thing can crush a car. Two can topple a building. Now imagine it in the swarm. I have an army of /millions/ of those things. And yes, I made them, not stole them. And yes, I am fourteen.   
Sherlock Holmes: I know 240 different types of ash and can distinguish them. *crosses arms proudly*   
Hiro Hamada: I can identify every single type of metal, and lab made metal in existence, and what they are used for.   
Sherlock Holmes: And I bet all the ladies love you. But you're not into ladies, are you?   
Hiro Hamada: I...I'm fourteen! *shouts and voice squeaks a bit* I don't know. Well...shut up, I-I don't know.   
Sherlock Holmes: *smirks* When I was 8, I solved my first murder. Bloody Scotland Yard wouldn't listen, though. And it's okay to be homosexual.  
Hiro Hamada: I don't even know what I am. Fourteen. Don't like anybody really. And you wanna go there? I'll go there. When I was six I built a super computer out of steel wool, bubble gum, tooth paste and an iPhone charger.   
Sherlock Holmes: iPhones weren't even a thing when I was 20, let alone 6. Or that would've been me.  
Hiro Hamada: Not my fault you're old. *crosses arms* I also won the world wide science fair for adults when I was five. Invented a chip they use in most cellphones today to keep power.   
Sherlock Holmes: I have to get back to my case now. It was mildly not-boring talking to you.  
Hiro Hamada: Wait, case? What case? It...oh shoot. *Laughs nervously and starts backing up* uh, I, uh, you don't happen to know a Yama do you?   
Sherlock Holmes: I know almost everyone.


	7. Was it something I said? AND Sherlock gets drunk...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't get a name for the first girl (she seemed offended by my comment lol) but the Barista can be found on Tumblr under the username snugglingsherlock.

This is a conversation between The Woman and yourself, Sherlock Holmes.   
Sherlock Holmes: Irene?   
The Woman: *leans against a counter in the kitchen, waiting for water to boil* Who?   
Sherlock Holmes: Oh. Sorry. I thought you might be an old friend of mine. Making tea?   
The Woman: Yep. Want some?   
Sherlock Holmes: Depends. Is it Twingings Breakfast?   
The Woman: *thinks for a second* I think we have some, if that's what you want.   
Sherlock Holmes: No! God, no. I hate Twinings. Earl Grey, if you have it.   
The Woman: *opens a cabinet* Got it! *takes a box out and puts a bag in a mug*   
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you. What is your name, by the way?   
The Woman: *smiles back at you* Emma... Are you ok?   
Sherlock Holmes: Yes. Fine. A bit bored, but... that's always the case.   
Sherlock Holmes: Sherlock Holmes, by the way.  
The Woman: *chuckles* I know, dear.   
Sherlock Holmes: Good. You're not as idiotic as most people on this website.  
The Woman has left the conversation.  
Sherlock Holmes: Was it something I said?

…

This is a conversation between Barista and yourself, Sherlock Holmes.   
Barista: Heya Hun, what can I do for ya? *smiles*   
Sherlock Holmes: What kind of alcohol is most effective at getting a man with my metabolism drunk?   
Barista:*furrows eyebrows* If I had to say, I'd probably say a few shots   
Sherlock Holmes: Then that's what I'll have. Before I get too drunk, I'll introduce myself: Sherlock Holmes, world famous consulting detective.   
Barista:*chuckles* I figured, I've seen you in the paper a few times, I'm Jenah, I'm a low life bartender *turns around and starts to pour a few shots* Why do you want to get drunk, darling'?   
Sherlock Holmes: *sighs* Emotions. Who knew they could get so... emotional.  
Barista: Well, honey, It's in the name *gives you 6 shots*   
Sherlock Holmes: *downs them all in one go* What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet.  
Barista: Did- Did you just quote Romeo and Juliet? *chuckles*   
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, Act I Scene II I believe.   
Barista:*nods* That's pretty good that you remember that from memory   
Sherlock Holmes: I remember lots of stuff by memory. Mind palace. *taps forehead knowingly*  
Barista: Well, still that's pretty amazing   
Sherlock Holmes: Thanks. That's not what most people say.   
Barista: Well, I think it's something that should be praised   
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you, madam. I believe this tingly sensation in my extremities is the alcohol?  
Barista:*nods* Yes, yeas it is. In about 5 minutes you will start to feel the room spin, I can tell you it won't really be pleasant.  
Sherlock Holmes: Oh. Well, I guess that's what I was going for...  
Barista: Why do you want to get drunk now? You never directly answered my question   
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, yes. Sorry. It's John... Dr. Watson. We're having a bit of a row.  
Barista: What about?   
Sherlock Holmes: See, he thinks that because we're a couple that it means I need to stop being a "self-righteous dick" to him and start treating him with "love and respect". But I can't help being a dick. And every time I tell him that, he says "You are what you eat," and then laughs but I don't get what's so funny.  
Barista:*laughs* Well, he is referring to when you give him a blowjob that well, you are what you eat   
Sherlock Holmes: I- oh. OH. I didn't realize fellatio was a laughing matter.  
Barista:*laughs harder* Oh lord, I'm sorry that was too funny. But if he is asking for more love and respect you should give it to him. Take him out for a date, buy him flowers, when you guys have sex next time, make it all about him   
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, FLOWERS? Is that truly necessary? Can't I just take out my cock and ram it up his-*hiccups violently*- and call it good?  
Barista:*laughs* Well, that might work for maybe a few hours, but not as long as he hopes for romance.  
Sherlock Holmes: Trust me, he feels it for more than a few hours.  
Barista:*laughs* A little personal, huh?   
Sherlock Holmes: I prefer to detach my brain while engaging in sexual activities which leads to be being a bit... rough.  
Barista:*nods* A lot of people like it that way   
Sherlock Holmes: *hiccups again* Well, thanks for the advice and the liqueur, Jenah. *reaches in pocket and pulls out twenty pounds* Will this cover it?


	8. Drunk Sherlock?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had a conversation with Dean and Sam (no alias was given, alas.)

This is a conversation between Sam and Dean and yourself, Sherlock Holmes.   
Sherlock Holmes: Hell-*hic*-o.   
Sam and Dean: Dean: uh hi   
Sherlock Holmes: What's your name, sexual orientation, and *hic* occupation? No, let me guess.   
Sherlock Holmes: Not Sherlock, gay, and not Consulting Detective?   
Sam and Dean: Sam: no but I guess that's you?   
Sherlock Holmes: HahahAHAhaha I'm Sherlock, silly willy!   
Sam and Dean: Dean: Uh huh. Good for you. You okay buddy.   
Sherlock Holmes: Just- *hic*- a bit impaired. Do you need a good detective? I'm world famous, y'know.   
Sam and Dean: Sam: yeah I’ve read ALL of your books   
Sherlock Holmes: Books? Jawn's blog has been *hic* published? DAMN IT NOW EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD WILL WANT A PIECE OF MY FINE ARSE   
Sherlock Holmes: *giggles uncontrollably*   
Sam and Dean: Dean: *checks you out* honestly I’ve seen better/ Sam: *cough* Cas * cough* *gets punched by Dean*   
Sherlock Holmes: Is Cas a *hic* top or bottom? I'd be either for *hic* you... but don't tell Jawn...   
Sam and Dean: Dean: woah. man? that's a little personal   
Sherlock Holmes: sorry I'm no good at *hic* conversation. I tend to rub people the wrong way. But *hic* I rub Jawn all the right ways. *giggles again*   
Sam and Dean: both laugh   
Sherlock Holmes: What's that in your pocket? A *hic* gun, or are you just *hic* happy to see me?   
Sam and Dean: Dean pulls the gun out and Sam stops him.   
Sherlock Holmes: WOAH THERE MR. SASSY-PANTS.   
Sherlock Holmes: I expected you to say *hic* both.   
Sam and Dean: *Dean puts the gun away* Sam; Dean doesn't really enjoy being deduced *offers a apologetic smile*   
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, one of THOSE types. *hic* Don't accept themselves so they can't hear about themselves from others.   
Sherlock Holmes: but that's none of my business...   
Sam and Dean: Dean: That's it *launches forward punching you in the nose, Sam tries to stop him*  
Sherlock Holmes: OI! That bloody hurt! *starts laughing hysterically, holding his bleeding and broken nose*   
Sam and Dean: Dean: You are one fucked up dude *walks away*  
Sherlock Holmes: HAHAHAHAHA HE THINKS I DON'T *HIC* KNOW


	9. Deducing the Extinct

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No username given this time either.

This is a conversation between A T-Rex Who Speaks Human and yourself, Sherlock Holmes.  
A T-Rex Who Speaks Human: Hi  
Sherlock Holmes: Hello.  
A T-Rex Who Speaks Human: Can you figure out how I can talk?  
Sherlock Holmes: I did not realize "human" is a language. Let me guess... telepathy?  
Sherlock Holmes: Magic?  
Sherlock Holmes: Democracy?  
A T-Rex Who Speaks Human: No, a device on my throat translates my roars  
Sherlock Holmes: Oh. How dull.  
A T-Rex Who Speaks Human: Yes  
A T-Rex Who Speaks Human: but needed  
Sherlock Holmes: Do you have a name?  
A T-Rex Who Speaks Human: No.  
Sherlock Holmes: Then I will call you Mycroft. I assume you're large, powerful, but have not the abilities to maintain physical fitness. Am I correct?  
Sherlock Holmes: Your short little arms limit you, just as the rolls of fat limit my brother.  
A T-Rex Who Speaks Human: I have some ability to maintain fitness, by chasing and hunting the wildlife, but other than that, nothing else.  
Sherlock Holmes: As I thought. All bark but no bite... or rather roar...  
Sherlock Holmes: No offense, your T-Rexiness.  
A T-Rex Who Speaks Human: None taken, sir. Well, I must move on, more people to meet and greet. Goodbye.  
A T-Rex Who Speaks Human has left the conversation.


	10. Troll in the chatroom!

This is a conversation between a troll and Sherlock Holmes.

a troll: OH

a troll: SHERLOCK

Sherlock Holmes: Hello.

a troll: HOW YOU DOIN

Sherlock Holmes: Good. And you?

a troll: I DO GOOD.

Sherlock Holmes: What species of troll are you? Mountain troll?

a troll: The troll that won't tell you what species of troll it is.

Sherlock Holmes: Ah. One of THOSE trolls.

a troll: "THOSE"? Whatchu implying here Holmes?

Sherlock Holmes: Merely that you're stubborn and unintelligent.

a troll: Well that is absolutely absurd of you. Judging all trolls to be and act a certain way.

Sherlock Holmes: I apologize. One of those assumptions is wrong.

a troll: One? So which, may I ask, assumption do you believe to still be true?

Sherlock Holmes: Stubborn as a proverbial mule.

a troll: And for what evidence do you have to prove that I am nothing but a stubborn troll?

Sherlock Holmes: The fact that you keep up this conversation about stereotypes even though you believe them to be untrue.

Sherlock Holmes: And that you wouldn't tell me a simple scientific fact about yourself.

a troll: Well, I apologize for not being such a high class smarty pants as you are, but at least I'm not a discourteous fool who looks down at other people and cause them to question their own well being. But hey, that's totally fine.

Sherlock Holmes: It's part of my job. I be a 'rude smartass' and the world continues to be idiotic and tasteless.

a troll: Well the only thing I believe to be idiotic and tasteless is your "job" that you speak of. Sorry to hear that this is how you view the world, but I guess you won't see the other side of it. That's alright though. You do you.

Sherlock Holmes: I admit that during our brief conversation you've went up 100 I.Q. points. You've now in the positives.

a troll: Wow congratulations to me. I sure feel like a winner today. Thanks to myself, that is, and not to you.

Sherlock Holmes: Good. Even ordinary creatures deserve the false sense of accomplishment.

a troll: Good job on not sensing my sarcasm there, but that's okay. You do you. 

Sherlock Holmes: ... John has told me to apologize for being an arse. So... Sorry.

Sherlock Holmes: That I'm not sorry.

a troll: Okay. That's cool, do what you got to do.

a troll: Even other ordinary creatures deserve to apologize for their many failures.

Sherlock Holmes: It was great talking you, honestly, but I must be off. I have to save London, possibly the world. You know, ordinary prople things.

a troll has left the chatroom.


	11. Too Gay To Function

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Castiel can be found on Tumblr under the name SuperWhoLockTime99.

This is a conversation between Teen!Artist!Punk!Castiel and yourself, Sherlock Holmes.  
Sherlock Holmes: Hello.  
Teen!Artist!Punk!Castiel: Hi?  
Sherlock Holmes: How are you?  
Teen!Artist!Punk!Castiel: Good?  
Sherlock Holmes: Good.  
Teen!Artist!Punk!Castiel: Who are you?  
Sherlock Holmes: World famous consulting detective, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.  
Teen!Artist!Punk!Castiel: Ok, Well I'm Castiel Novak  
Sherlock Holmes: Do you have any cases for me?  
Teen!Artist!Punk!Castiel: Why would I?  
Teen!Artist!Punk!Castiel: I'm a high school student  
Sherlock Holmes: Because I'm bored, and you're a potential client.  
Sherlock Holmes: I just talked to one Regina George, who was in highschool, and she needed my assistance.  
Teen!Artist!Punk!Castiel: Why?  
Sherlock Holmes: Someone stole her 'burn book'.  
Teen!Artist!Punk!Castiel: Oh, that  
Sherlock Holmes: You're familiar?  
Teen!Artist!Punk!Castiel: Yeah  
Sherlock Holmes: You know Miss George?  
Teen!Artist!Punk!Castiel: Yup, wanna know what she wrote about me in there?  
Sherlock Holmes: Yes.  
Teen!Artist!Punk!Castiel: She wrote 'Castiel Novak is too gay to function' and I don't mind Dean saying that, but only him though  
Sherlock Holmes: Dean... Winchester?  
Teen!Artist!Punk!Castiel: Yeah  
Sherlock Holmes: She mentioned him. Said he was 'hot'.  
Teen!Artist!Punk!Castiel: *Glares*  
Sherlock Holmes: Just relaying information.  
Teen!Artist!Punk!Castiel: That bitch better stay away from him *I mumble to myself*  
Sherlock Holmes: Yes. Well, if you don't mind, best be off.


	12. Space Sh%t

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chat with Howard Wolowitz.

This is a conversation between wolowitz and Sherlock Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes: Hello.

wolowitz: greetings

wolowitz: it is an honor Mr. holmes

Sherlock Holmes: Aren't you the one who designed that space toilet?

wolowitz: yes.. yes I am indeed

Sherlock Holmes: Fantastic, that.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, I say fantastic...

wolowitz has left the conversation.


End file.
